Mermaids: The Body Found

(aka “How Stupid Is Everyone?”)

Very stupid, as it turns out.

For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, I am referring to the television program Mermaids: The Body Found aired by The Animal Planet (again) on May 29, 2013. Throughout the program we are treated to the narrator (David Soul of Starsky and Hutch fame) and an actor (Andre Weideman) who is portraying Dr. Paul Robertson (and who looks suspiciously like Zach Galifianakis, if you ask me) sitting in the background trying to keep a straight face.


Here is the basic premise:

Mermaids might exist. This is based on the claim that in 1997 scientists heard a funny noise coming from the ocean called The Bloop. Of course, people assumed that since we heard a funny noise in the ocean, it must be mermaids. After all, that only makes sense.

The mermaids in this program are not featured as beautiful sirens of the sea that lure sailors away where they fall in love and live happily ever after. That would be silly. Instead, we are led to believe that these half fish/half women look like hideous prehistoric cave women with bulging cheekbones and large angry eyes.

Apparently, according to the show, humans branched off a few hundred thousand years ago when we were still apelike creatures. So far, I will admit, that is conceivable. The main branch evolved into the mostly obese, litigation-happy, text-sending society that we have today. The other branch somehow evolved into “aquatic apes” that are now considered today’s mermaids. These mermaids are able to completely exist in the ocean. Oh, and they developed the capability to use sonar waves and communicate with dolphins. Are you still with me?

Besides the fact that they do not exist, why have we never seen a mermaid? Because they are shy. Seriously, that is basically the reason we are given. Then one day back in 2004, two kids were playing on the beach in Washington and recording something “odd” that washed up on shore amongst a mass whale beaching – only to find it was a mermaid.

But before they could tell the world, the government – apparently taking a page from the Jedi mind-trick book – persuaded their mothers to convince them that they didn’t really see anything at all. Are you getting this? The all-powerful U.S. Government persuaded the boy’s mothers to do their dirty work.

Of course, the government “forgot” to take the boys phone that had captured the video, which is how we get to see the footage. According to the program, the boys went on record stating that they found a body, but the record was later changed, so if you want to read it for yourself, too bad.

The program continues by stating that the government knows all about this phenomenon and has instituted a massive cover-up. Yep, another coverup conspiracy about make-believe creatures is blamed on the government. We are told from an alleged government source (aka “actor”) that the government (in the form of the U.S. Navy) is conducting “secret tests” involving underwater sonic weaponry. Sometimes it kills whales or dolphins and sometimes it kills mermaids, too. C’est la vie. You can’t win them all, I guess.

To prove this, they offer many “dramatic re-enactments” involving actors and computer graphic imaging that was not dramatic, nor was it even re-enacting actual events. I think that the words “dramatic re-enactment” could have been changed to “complete fabrication” and it would have far more accurate.

That is basically the show.

Oh, and the very ending of the program had a disclaimer that this was bullshit. They phrased it better though. Here is the information that was displayed at the end of the program so that you can still interpret it incorrectly into believing there are really mermaids. I have transcribed these words exactly as they appeared at the end of the credits:




Yet people are STILL falling for it. The program was not really believable in any way, other than two boys may have been walking on the beach in Washington one day and probably poked at something odd that washed up on shore with a stick. I guarantee it was not a mermaid.

And The Bloop? Clearly, the Office of Making Up Scientific Names (OOMUSN) was on vacation that week. People who believe in mermaids would rather believe the theory that a mermaid is making noises loud enough to be heard across the Pacific Ocean than to use common sense and realize that it has to be something of substantial magnitude.

Why do I say this? The Conspiracy Coverup Department at NOAA has stated that the sound called The Bloop is actually a relatively common event – the cracking of an ice shelf as it breaks up from Antarctica. Then the real shocker comes. “Typically, it is played at 16 times normal speed, which makes it sounds like an animal vocalization of some sort. However, when the sound is played in real-time it has more of a ‘quake’ sound to it, similar to thunder.”

Are you listening? The sound that the show has attributed to (possible) mermaid vocalizations has been intentionally sped up specifically to deceive you. Not you personally, but you fell for it. Rather than repeatedly punching yourself in the face for being so naïve that you fell for such a stupid thing, you then accuse the government of covering it up.

The tongue-in-cheek fashion that the interviews were delivered could only have been made more obvious to the naïve public by having Daryl Hannah of Splash fame narrate it instead of David Soul. Maybe then they would have realized something fishy (hahahaha) was going on.

In fact, looking at the before and after images of Ms. Hannah, it was somewhat prophetic to have used her as Madison in Splash since that she looks a lot like one of the Animal Planet’s CGI mermaids nowadays. Hmmm. Here is a non-CGI before and after of Daryl Hannah for your enjoyment.


Yikes, right? All kidding aside and with no disrespect to Ms. Hannah, we are here to discuss real mermaids, not Hollywood fabrications. (Stifled laughter). So let’s continue…

Aquatic apes?! Seriously!?! We are supposed to believe that our ancestors somehow evolved the ability to go from land mammals to mermaids in what is an evolutionary eye-blink of about 5 million years? After 3.2 million years we cannot even get rid of our vestigial tails and yet we completely evolved into mermaids in less than double that amount of time.

Then, we need to consider that we humans look the way we do because we evolved and adapted to our surroundings. Mermaids would have evolved and adapted around different surroundings and would not have developed (or would have lost) body hair or a 5 digit hand like the one that was shown on the autopsy table after being fished from a shark. Why would only half of an organism change?

Evolution dictates no reason that half of any mythical creature would appear human. That goes for the minotaur, centaur or the onocentaur. You do not see these creatures walking around because they do not exist. Neither do mermaids. Never did, never will – without some interference from science – or science fiction.

Speaking of science, the NOAA, which is a real scientific institution called the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, hates this program because each time it airs, they have to fend off countless idiots who fell for the hoax, but refuse to believe it, even after it is patiently spelled out to them. Like the NOAA has nothing better to do.

For the record, the NOAA has confirmed that there is no evidence that the half-human, half-fish beings are a genuine living species. The quote from their site is:

But are mermaids real? No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found. Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That’s a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists.

In other words, “Are you seriously so stupid that you fell for that? Go bother someone else.”

Oh, and the government is not hiding “the fact” that mermaids exist. The government could not care any less if mermaids existed. Quite the contrary, I bet if the government knew there were humanoids living in the ocean, they would find a way to tax them so they could raise another $120 million for pension payments to dead federal employees.

The program also tells us that we know more about our moon than our own oceans.

Well, of course we do. Think about the reasoning here. We are polluting our planet so badly that it is a matter of time before we have to launch ourselves from a huge mound of garbage (probably in New Jersey) to seek a new world to pollute with our filth. The oceans will be complete swill long before then. It makes complete sense that we are going to try to explore space and see what our options are. It is like a person who lives in New York but has not visited the Statue of Liberty, yet has vacation photos of themselves with the Golden Gate Bridge or the Leaning Tower of Pisa as a background. So it is not far-fetched that we know more about our moon.

Then some people are stating that they have actually seen mermaids. Probably right after they had a big bowl of PCP for breakfast. Anyone who believes they have seen a mermaid, should seek medical attention immediately because your brain is not functioning properly. You are either hallucinating or making idiotic things up to get attention and neither is normal. Get help.

Other folks realize that Mermaids: The Body Found is fake, but still pose the possibility that mermaids exist. Seriously, they do. They claim that “just because you have never seen one personally, does not mean that you can dismiss them.” Yes, I can – and I do. The very idea of a half woman, half fish life form is stupid, and belief in one is even more stupid. It brings to mind the days when we as humans, believed that drilling holes in the skull of mentally ill people will release the evil spirits. That rarely works.

There is a fairly recent study that says that humans are getting dumber. Belief in mermaids is the top reason they give for this. Okay, that is not true, but it should be.

Internet postings numbered in the “tens of millions” according to the documentary. To tout how popular the show was they use credible sources like the Kardashian sisters who are famous for no reason and have the combined IQ’s of peanut butter.

It is obvious to me that mermaids do not exist. The most compelling reason is that Aquaman would have found one by now.

But to be fair, good things have come out of this show as well. For some reason, our cat Sasha was completely mesmerized by the program and watched it for nearly twenty minutes before her tiny brain realized that it was fake. She continued watching for the rest of the program because there was movement and bright colors. From that day on, she has been watching television. Go figure.

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