Letter to M&M Mars

Richard J. Theriault
[address deleted]
[address deleted]

M & M Mars
High Street
Hackettstown, NJ 07840

February 5, 2000

Dear Sirs;

For the last month, I have been purchasing M&M’s from a vending machine where I work. The reason I have been buying the M&M’s is because the package screams, “FIX-UP THE MIX-UP” and there is a chance to win a prize – up to and including $1,000,000! I figured there would be a good chance to win since there are supposedly “a Million” other prizes. I capitalized the word “million” because you did that on the wrapper as well. Below is the official story, (although I believe it is a cover-up for inept workers as some M&M’s I have purchased appear to have the letter “w” on them.):

MandM

FIND THE BAGS WITH THE “MIXED UP” COLORS AND YOU COULD WIN $1,000,000 OR ONE OF A MILLION OTHER PRIZES!

Yellow was left in charge of the factory for only one hour and somehow managed to change the color mix in a million bags of “M&M’s”®. These “mixed-up” bags of “M&M’s”® must be retrieved. The classic color mix: Red, Yellow, Green, Blue, Orange & Brown has been messed with, so “M&M’s”® is offering $1,000,000 and a Million other prizes to those who find these bags and help “Fix Up the Mix Up.”

I cannot imagine somebody who has the prestigious job of putting the candy shell on small chocolate candies and then stamping a white “m” on them can understand the anticipation the average person experiences while opening a bag of candy and expecting their life to change.

Each time I buy a package of M&M’s, I think that this could be the time where I win a million dollars, quit my job, move to the Caribbean and drink Bahama Mama’s for breakfast, but as always, all I receive is an over-priced package of candy. This unfortunately will ultimately change my net-worth for the worse, by causing me to rack up huge dental bills.

Not to mention the sarcastic, smarmy little red M&M. The yellow one is not so bad, although he obviously cannot handle the responsibility of being in charge for only an hour, but that red one has a real attitude problem, and should be reprimanded immediately. It is not bad enough that you get your hopes up, only to be disappointed by being a loser, but then you have to listen to some smart-ass little red M&M make fun of you for not winning. I get so angry when he does that, that I eat the red ones first.

Just for fun, let us look at a sampling of the stress that one is subjected to as they are ridiculed by candy “that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.”

Official game Message-Sample 1:
Yellow M&M: “Remember telling everyone your luck was about to change?”
Red Smart-Ass M&M: “Looks like you spoke too soon. SORRY.”

Official game Message-Sample 2:
Yellow M&M: “Ever wonder what it would feel like to win $1,000,000?”
Red Smart-Ass M&M: “Well, it looks like you’re gonna have to keep on wondering. SORRY.”

Official game Message-Sample 3:
Yellow M&M: “Somebody’s gotta win the $1,000,000.”
Red Smart-Ass M&M: “Today, however, that someone is not you. SORRY.”

Official game Message-Sample 4:
Yellow M&M: “Can’t remember the last time you ever won anything?”
Red Smart-Ass M&M: “Well, today is no exception. SORRY.”

Even though he says he is sorry, it does not feel as if he is being sincere. The next message though, is perhaps the most infuriating of all…

Official game Message-Sample 5:
Yellow M&M: “Okay, suppose you did win the $1,000,000. All your friends would ask you for loans, and you’d probably end up flat broke.”
Red Smart-Ass M&M: “Now, aren’t you glad you didn’t win?”

Obviously, sample 5 really gets my goat, because quite frankly – No. I’m not glad I didn’t win. I really, really wanted to win. That’s why I am buying these to begin with – I want to win something – preferably the million dollars.

And by the way, it’s not just the way that ill-mannered M&M speaks to you; it’s the way the he makes his eyebrows disconnect from his head while he smirks – like he’s so much better than everybody else.

As of this date, I have spent a lot of money on M&M’s and I really enjoy the way they taste, but unfortunately, I will have to stop purchasing them because:

  • I cannot handle the stress of sarcastic candy making fun of me,
  • I like having teeth,
  • My buttocks are becoming unsightly – especially when they are wedged in the revolving door at the airport. This was not funny and I am very sensitive about it.

Sincerely,
Richard J. Theriault Jr.
e-mail@deleted.com

P.S. Just so you know, if you hold a blowtorch on the red (non-peanut) M&M for a short while, that sucker does melt. Oh, it melts…

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